Review of recent household acquisition
Item: Baby boy
Condition: New, wrinkly, occasionally agitated
Cons: Is unable to complete simple tasks without assistance… Keeps the same hours as Keith Richards, minus the emergency-room downtime after falls off stage and out of trees… Cannot distinguish between adult shoulders and cribs/bassinets, and operates under misguided presumption that all three surfaces serve the same general purpose… Doesn’t respond to reason (“if you stop kicking, it will be easier to apply this soothing topical balm to your bottom”).
Pros: Already boasts a deep catalog of impressions, led by crowd-pleasers like “old man face” and “oh, the wonder of it all!”… Busts out of swaddles, no matter how skillfully applied, with ease and fiendish delight. Coupled with his double-fisted death grip, which has done more to thin the ranks of dad’s chest hair than electrolysis ever could, he projects as a checking-line center or versatile small forward… Owns a pair of big cobalt-blue eyes that will probably darken to the deep-brown tint passed along by mom and dad, but how awesome would it be if they don’t?… Rat-a-tat fart medleys will become a YouTube sensation when dad gets around to posting footage of them… Is infinitely, absurdly huggable.
Rating: Can I award more than five stars on a five-star scale? Dude’s a keeper.
